Early last month the 88mm team did the 48hr Film Project, technically for the 8th time. We won two awards, Audience Choice and Best Original Score. When I walked out of the Tivoli Theater after the awards show, I was severely, wretchedly depressed.

Normally, I send out a congratulatory email to the cast and crew after the 48, thanking them for all of their hard work and effort. This year I didn’t. This year, after it was done, I just wasn’t feeling it.

It wasn’t because we didn’t win Best of City, and it wasn’t because I wasn’t happy with what we did win (I was) it was something deeper, something unrelated to the competition at all.

On the drive home, I tried to analyze exactly what was bothering me, and why.

I think it boiled to to a basic sense of unhappiness relating to where I was at as a whole, at least regarding filmmaking. I think I was unhappy at my seeming lack of forward progress. Yes, we had (and have!) irons in the fire, projects making progress-albeit at a snail’s pace, it sometimes seems.

For the past three years, since our Executive Producer from Hollywood tried and failed to get RHINELAND into Sundance, and subsequently bailed on the project, I have spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about the things that I don’t have… a full-time producer, current website, huge stockpile of ready cash, etc. etc. etc.

I met with my friend and co-conspirator Don-o for drinks the other night, and our main topic of discussion was the website, and how we must launch before GOTY screens at GenCon.

We talked about a lot of things, including past and future projects. I was really getting worked up about not doing things the half-ass and bullshit way it seems like we’ve done with a lot of projects, and this new idea, this new film, was going to be done different…better.

After I was winding down, he looked at me and said. “You know man, if you’re not careful, you might just forget why you started doing this in the first place.”

Wow.

What a thing to say, right?

At first I started to think, “What the fuck? Me, forget where I came from? Me!?”

And then:

“Damn, I think he’s right.”

I’ve spent so much time and energy worrying about what I don’t have/can’t do, I’ve nearly forgotten everything that 88mm has accomplished in ten & a half years:

Three features
AMPHETAMINE
RHINELAND
GAME OF THE YEAR

Eight shorts
Frank Wang : The Vengeance
A Bad Day in the Life
Restless Soul
Amphetamine Based
The Game
Amphetamine (trailer)
Beyond the Border (trailer)
Shuffle (trailer)

Eight 48hr films
Southside Story
Vous M’ Amiez
Duality
Coveting Little Chickens
The Golden Scarab
Through a Dark Lens
The Biondo Brothers
Opportunity Rocks!

That’s quite a body of work, considering where we started from. A few misfires, sure, but quite a few award-winners, too.

Sometimes, it’s just too damn easy to bitch and moan…and if you’re not careful, you CAN forget what you’ve done, and why you started doing it.

I’m going to try real hard not to forget.

Thank You to all members of 88mm, past, present, and future.